DOUG the Eagle presents:
"What is it you want? Money? Drugs? I can get it..."
"Hard drugs are actually a good thing, because they tend to kill off anyone
stupid enough to use them."
Recently someone tipped me off that consuming excessive quantities of
'sweeties' could have a permanent affect on your Avatar's health.
These are the findings of my research into this topic.
We need drugs. Lots of drugs.
First, get yourself out of Trinsic. I couldn't stand the puzzle anymore
and used the 'stairway to heaven' approach, which also allowed me to steal
a spellbook and some reagents. The disadvantage is that if you die, the
game restarts because you haven't officially left Trinsic.
Next I went Paws, and found Morfin's stash, which is in his
workplace. You will also need to rob his house to get a key.
Take Pick up the drugs and then head to Minoc. You should save before
entering the swamps or you will probably have to leave Trinsic again.
I headed for the BMC building and opened the chest, taking all the drugs
therein. In the mine itself, I searched all the crates. There should be two
(one in the first room, one in a storeroom) which contain drugs.
We also need two vic.. er, lucky winners, to use for the experiments. We
already have Iolo, but we need one more, so I popped down to Cove and
picked up Jaana, for three reasons. One, she is a healer, two, she has the
hawk and three, Cove is a nice location to get mashed.
We are gathered here together to partake in an orgy of drugs and violence
JM: You've already got too many drugs there. That's enough to destroy
your body, to say nothing of your mind.
IM: It will destroy his mind AND his body. And probably anyone nearby!
JM: It'll be like the scene in Alien.. where they cut it open and it
IM: I was thinking it would be more like the scene in Raiders of the Lost Ark,
where they open the Ark of the Covenent.. His FACE will be like that..
If you're trying this at home, save now, before any drugs have been taken
so we can try various different things.
Here are the stats for our three lucky people:
I was advised by my informant that interesting things would happen if you
took five hits of serpent venom. So this is obviously the first port of
I gave the Avatar 5 hits of the drug, known on the street as 'quicksilver'
and watched. The Avatar's strength, dexterity and intelligence shot up to 30
points each, unfortunately not the 250 which had been claimed. I put this
down to a different build of the game, possibly without the FoV add-on.
I gave Iolo 5 hits as well, which pumped him to 30,30,30 too, but I did
not give anything to Jaana at this stage.
At this point I wanted to leave them for a bit so that I could see whether,
as was claimed, too many drugs would keep the Avatar stuck at 30, or whether
he would waste away to nothing as he came down.
To pass the time, I walked back to Britain from Cove, which takes just
long enough for the drugs to wear off.
And wear off they did.
Now, as we can see, Iolo is certainly not well. In fact he is virtually
dead with no hope of recovery.. any attempt to heal him will be useless
as he now has a maximum HP of 1.
Moving on, the Avatar is still at 30. Now that's very
interesting. We seem to have a confused drug message coming from
Origin.. "you can take as many drugs as you like as long as you're the
I figured that the problem was that Iolo hadn't taken enough drugs
to push him into the 'golden section' so I went back to Minoc to try and
find more drugs to continue my experiments.
I pumped Iolo full of drugs again, (7 doses) and gave 5 to Jaana to see
what effect this dose would have on her.
Thou dost look so well!
The result was still more interesting.
Iolo has now turned into a God, with the nearly 250 strength points
described by my source. This enables him to carry virtually anything (but
not LOTS of things.. bulk is still a factor) and he is practically invincible.
Jaana has been wasted by having taken too few drugs, and now bears the mark
of the beast (6,6,6) so it would seem there is some truth in the idea that
drugs are the work of Satan.
Inspired, I attempted to boost Jaana to Godhood as well. And that was
when things got even more interesting.
A trip to the drugstore
By now I was out of drugs. Which sucked.
I was in Britain so I went to find the apothecary. The guy there buys the
drugs so I wondered if I could find any about his person. I went to his
shop but it was night and he wasn't there. There were none in the shop so I
tried to find his house.
I found Shamino, who was in bed with a woman dressed as a mouse, presumably
engaged in some kind of bizarre sex game. Having disturbed them I was chased
down the street, but for all this I could not find the right house before dawn.
So I reloaded and tried the experiments from scratch. This time Iolo and
Jaana both got enough drugs to boost them to 30, and then 3 more hits
We were somewhere near the Minoc turning on the edge of the swamp when the
drugs began to take hold.
As before, Iolo and now Jaana were elevated to superhuman status:
I went to find Lord British to get everyone healed so that I could find
out what their maximum HP was. And that was when it started to go wrong.
Of Icarus and faulty gods
'return to health' isn't exactly the way I'd describe what happened next.
As you can see, Jaana has been totally momafied, with -17 health points,
but this terrible wound pales next to Iolo, who at -122 health points,
should not just be dead, but a smoking hole in the ground.
It's only by pure luck that the Avatar has abstained from overdosing,
which gives me a functional party member to carry on with.
Now it isn't quite as bad as it seems because although Iolo is burned out
and totally immobile, he can still be used as a container.. a barrel that we
can drop things into by remote control.
However the game slows down massively when this happens, so I decided it would
be best to see if I could bring them round.
Getting the King to heal them again won't help because he resets their health
to maximum, which we do not want.
No user-servicable parts inside
I hit upon the idea of trying to hurt them so much they came back to life
as the HP number underflows. I couldn't attack them with my sword as they
were members of the party, so I went to get some gunpowder.
Detonating the powder simply killed them both, so I tried the
converse and cast heal on Jaana. She came back but I ran out of magic
points before I could raise Iolo, and I had to sleep (in the King's bed).
When I awoke, Iolo had healed in the night and was functional but Jaana
had too and was now broken again, but only at -11 or so. I waited for her
to heal up and she duly came back to life.
Caring for your new Gods
To keep your God working perfectly, keep it fed and watered regularly.
If it becomes dirty, wipe gently with a soft, damp tissue.
Do not use alcohol-based cleaners.
On cold mornings your God may not start properly. This is normal.
To start a God from cold, cast a spell of healing on the God and it should
come to life. Do not cast heal on a working God as this may cause it to
overheat and shut down.
If your God siezes up during normal operation or in combat, cast the heal
spell on it and it should return to working order.
For all other problems consult an authorised dealer.
I am the new way to go.
I am the way of the future.
Thanks to NeutroNova for tipping me off.
These pages are maintained by my alter ego, DOUG the Eagle, a member of the UDIC, an Ultima fan group.
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